CloseMr RM Morello

Second fiddle to the Mrs. Aged about 50. Pear-shaped and scruffy. Confused, slow-witted and constantly confounded by modern-day life. More or less of the view that anyone famous will know everything and hence is a candidate to receive one of his letters on any topic however outlandish. These include misguided requests for advice on animal husbandry (sent to archbishops and cabinet ministers amongst others) or sometimes trying to get a job for his idling children. In charge of the little bakery at back of the house.

Takes beasts from the menageries for a walk on a bit of string when going to post the numerous letters he and Mrs Morello actually send (through the hand of their assistant Duncan McNair) to the great and the good. Also tries to open the post ahead of Mrs Morello to check the genuine replies as these are received. 

Spectacular lack of success with all his hopelessly ill-starred business ventures.

CloseMrs Morello (Rosetta)

The dominant force in the kitchen and the menageries in the Morellos’ back garden. Age uncertain. Weight substantial – recently estimated by Mr Morello at 15 and a half stone (excluding handbag). Queen of all she surveys. Usually benign temperament though unpredictable like Mount Etna (a fellow Sicilian). Inspires fear and awe in man and beast alike. A figure of terror to some, such as Rubrik, the youngest goat in the menageries. Puckish humour and thoroughly enjoys misfortunes of others.

Mrs Morello is a prodigious correspondent with the great and the good of the United Kingdom and beyond - statesmen, CEOs, archbishops, distinguished academics and University Chancellors, famous journalists, TV stars and celebrities, judges, heads of City law firms, and the great fraternity of British goat lovers. And (of course) nudists.

Greatest love - animals from the menageries esp Desmond the emu (lame), Enoch the goat and the polecat, Maureece. Fierce defender of her turf against Betty Threlfall's rival menageries “Top Critters”, also in West Ealing. A staunch advocate of anything that enters her head. Her mind when made up is immovable. Wants to reinforce the house as a fortress ahead of the forthcoming London Olympics, as a protection against marauding Danes, Yorkshires and other foreigners (and Mrs O’Riordan from No. 68). Ready to impart advice at all times eg when espying contents of shoppers' baskets in Trescos. Hobbies - rock-breaking, lion-taming, ghosts. 

Heroes - Val Doonican, Bruce Forsyth. Favourite records -  O Cara Mio (My heart's delight), The Elusive Butterfly of Love, We'll gather Lilacs, The Eye of the Tiger.

CloseAnnunziata Manfredini (Mrs Morello's ma)

Aged 88 (two fat ladies), lives at Morellos when staying from Sicily usually over Xmas. Used to be put up in the old pigeon shed by the rhubarb patch, now in spare bedroom. Small and potentially dangerous. 4'6", long dangly arms and hunchback. Slight beard, and hair sprouting from ears and nose. Usually sat up in bed smoking a pipe. Once set fire to the entire bedroom. Throws things at anyone entering her bedroom. Widowed. Her husband Federico was last seen shortly after their unpleasant row about marmosets whilst on holiday near Beachy Head in 1964. Her mother Desolata was an accomplished prize-fighter in Sicily who claimed friendship with Mussolini. Hobbies: trampolining and archery.

CloseEnoch, or "TG" (Top Goat) (aged 4)

Mrs M's signature goat. Totemic, adventurous and mischievous. Constantly hatching plans. Second only to Desmond (the lame emu) in Mrs Morello's affections. Leader of the menagerie ruminants. The acme of goats across West Ealing. A legend.  Rumoured to be half Toggenberg but has always denied it publicly. Married to Constance (aged 3). Believed by Mr Morello to have eaten the winning lottery ticket for September 27, but skilfully passed the blame onto Hermann ( theTragi-goat). Finest hour: once ate all the herbaceous borders in a quest to find a brussel sprout stolen from his pen by Rubrik. Favourite foods: trousers, shoes, cushions, telephone directories, pork scratchings.

CloseKevin (aged 2)

The family’s pet warthog. Proud and fiery. Trots round the turnip bed and the rhododendrons several times a day to mark out his territory. Short fuse, but all is forgiven if you gently roll him over and scratch his tummy. Can put in astonishing bursts of speed from a standing start beside the troughs if provoked or feels endangered, as the Reverend Scrimshaw discovered when playfully but unwisely tugging Kevin’s tail on a visit to Morello’s Menageries to bless the new ferret shed. There resulted a desperate sprint for his life by the elderly curate back to his motor outside the front garden. Derek Hogsworth from Speedy Sprayers reckons that in 17 years in the job he’s never before had to remove a warthog’s tusk embedded in the front nearside fender of a 1964 Mark I Ford Anglia.

CloseRizzo, Amphora and Tosti

Tosti - aged 17, eldest of the Morellos' 3 kids. Gormless, gangly, slightly spotty, thick specs. Just left school where was basically useless. Passable imitation of a pot plant. Tosti hopes to study "Politico-sociological trends in modern autonomous nation states". At East Rutlandshire University. Well on track to achieve his university offer – he needs two Ds and an F.  Hangs around in his bedroom strumming guitar and writing poetry to Peony Toogood (19), who lives next door at Carbuncle Cottage, with whom he has recently fallen head over feet in love.  Has started painting his fingernails since he met Julian and Desmond, who are studying "lovely Designs in Satin and Silk" at Ealing Tech.

Amphora - middle kid, aged 14. Chubby and greedy but fetching smile when forced out of her. Generally to be found lying on sofa watching Come Strictly Dancing and X Factor whilst guzzling Tango. Texts mindless messages back and forth all day with friends Lianne, Chardonnay, Sherita, Destiny and the hideous Stacey (the "Park View Hood") (aka the nest of vipers). Wants to be a dancer and maybe a legal secretary to start with, like her friend Trudey Smallpeice.  Helps Dad in the bakery, with the cakes. Interests: donuts, puddings, Wayne (now her ex, due to the consequences of his ASBO).

Rizzo - youngest kid, aged 7. Mischievous prankster, troublesome and sometimes annoying. Hopeless at school. Practical jokes with his little group of friends from Saturday morning swimming like mooning Mrs Frobisher from No. 23 (who suffers from a weak heart and dizzy spells) then running away. Loves the animals in the menageries esp the small ones eg rats, hamsters and gerbils (Attila, Thor, Zeus and Demosthenes), and Rubrik the baby goat.