Gathering my courage I gently tapped the wife’s massive shoulder. The spectacle edged round slowly, like an Atlantic tanker recalibrating its direction in mid ocean. Catching my look of utter bemusement, but hardly breaking for breath before resuming the ear piercing ululations, the wife simply exclaimed darkly “Haemorrhoids!” And proffered me a saucepan.
Monthly Archives: November 2011
THE SKY AT NIGHT – PART 1
Saturday morning. Mr Morello writes: A truly remarkable sight greeted early risers entering the kitchen today: Mrs Morello standing at the Belling Royale stirring a massive pot of porridge (for the menageries’ beasts, leftovers for the family), arrayed in her huge dressing gown, leg warmers, Doc Martins and facial mudpack, the entire ensemble crowned with….a crash helmet and m/bikers’ goggles from the Bantam. And in a trance-like state whilst whistling one of her all-time favourites - “Almost like falling in love” (by the Cliff Adams Singers). At colossal volume.
THE FACE OF DESTINY: PART 3
Wednesday afternoon: The tension is palpable across the menageries. Since the morning post arrived the Mrs, face like thunder, has been crashing around in the kitchen all day in her curlers, knocking up a massive pile of rock cakes (a perennial when in a strop), smoke pouring off the Belling Regale. Many of the beasts are hiding behind the sofa and up the chimney.
THE FACE OF DESTINY: PART 2
Tuesday morning: Mr Morello writes: A terrible gloom hangs over the gaff following the Mrs’ return from her “Face of Sainsbury’s” meeting yesterday. A very unfortunate misunderstanding. Sammy had arrived at Sainsbury’s HQ rather early to collect the wife in the Bantam, the sidecar bearing Enoch (the Mrs’ top goat), who enjoys an occasional high-speed airing.
THE FACE OF DESTINY: PART 1
Monday morning: Urgent News from the menageries. Mr Morello writes: the wife has just left for Sainsbury’s HQ in full power gear – a monstrous ensemble of bright red coat, twin set and massive hat with handbag, all offset by her unusual scorpion brooch, last seen desported during her chairing of the Acton Ladies’ Stoats’ Club AGM last July.
HAPPY TIMES
Breaking news: Geoff Cundell (ginger-headed nosey-parker from No. 36) has many disadvantages in life. For a start last weekend the carrot-topped bachelor misfit had some sort of spell or fatwa placed on him by the Mrs for upsetting the goats with continual jokes about curries.
CELEBRITY MINI-PORKERS
Wednesday 9am: Excited queues have been forming overnight outside the renowned Morello’s Menageries, in Park View Road, Ealing. Police and emergency services have been called in to control the well-behaved but enormous crowds building up amid sensational scenes of mass hysteria and near panic.
AN UNEXPECTED VISITOR
Tuesday, first thing: We’ve just received a nice little beast at the menageries. It was left on the doorstep this morning, in a crate. It’s well fed, but a strange and rather meek
creature that never says anything. Somewhat bigger than a fox, but the same coat. At first it mostly liked the sun. But now it seems to want to inhabit dark, shadowy places, and keeps trying to get into the fox’s lair (which has run away anyway).